Oh yeah, it's on.
Let me set the stage for this potential epic struggle. I currently teach in what might be the most non-traditional, yet effective and productive English Language Arts team ever assembled. Oddly, the team of seven contains four male members. That may not sound significant to most of you, but as a male English teacher at the high school level, I have often been alone in the testosterone zone, or been lucky enough to have one compadre to which I could turn. It was not a bad thing, if you must know the truth. It definitely has made me a more well-rounded teacher, and it has allowed me to identify my shortcomings as a man and learn to repair or at least camouflage them so my wife does not have to suffer them quite so much. This team has four male members. The senior member of the team (by senior I mean he has taught at BHS the longest, not that he is just old) knows how to build and fix stuff, makes a mean pot of hot chilli, and has a concealed carry permit. He is a man. A second member has coached football, wears a mustache and goatee, and is bald. As we all know, baldness equals boldness, as evidenced by Michael Jordan, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Dr. Evil. Man card? Check. I have never claimed to be the most manly of men, but I too have been a long-time football coach, I drive truck, and buffalo wings are in my top three favorite food of all time to consume at any time. Yeah, I'm a man. Besides, my wife said I was one. So there. Then we have the fourth member. Andrew Bauer. He is definitely the most well-dressed member of our little clan. He is also the tallest. Intellectually, he can hurl pithy comments and ironic allusions my way without missing a beat. He was an editor of his college newspaper, despite not being a part of the journalism major program, and I can envision him, sleeves rolled up as the clock ticked toward presstime, demanding a rewrite of the feature on page three, all the while puffing on cigar, totally disregarding the government prohibition of such practices in public buildings. The classic man's man. He is also awaiting entry into the fraternity that the rest of us have enjoyed for some time: he will become a father for the first time. Yep, we're guys. Dudes. MEN.
Now, it would seem that Andrew has decided he must make a power play and claim, for himself, the position of Alpha male. It began by his subtle undermining of what little authority Greg and myself pretended to enjoy by calling us "jerks" to his students. I know he has been making challenges to both John and Greg. Ok, I do not know this, actually, but if I yell it, then it must be true. HE HAS BEEN MAKING CHALLENGES TO JOHN AND GREG! I can speak with even more certainty about the personal challenges he has made to me. He followed up his jerk attack by printing a tweet I had made in response to his challenge and posting it on his classroom door. Obviously, if I tweeted it, it was supposed to remain private. Last week, he taped to my door an article that revealed the power of evoking the image of a baby deer in a group of men to immediately elevate that man to the position of Alpha male in that group. Well played, Andrew. Well played.
So, it would seen the battle for masculine supremacy has begun and threatens the pleasant and productive atmosphere of the upstairs south hallway. It is a shame, but what else can we do?
The only problem with this scenario rests in the makeup of the remaining members of our team. The "ladies". You see; they are also not what most would envision as the traditional image of the English teacher. Mousy, reserved, and submissive. Um, no. One owns a Harley, and rode it through the American southeast this summer. One is a huge NASCAR fan who had Ms. Jewell as her predominant example of a strong female teacher. The third, our youngest member, wields a pistol better than any of us, owns a dog that I am pretty sure ate a guy, and has actually slept with a shotgun.
Men, we're in trouble. But, since we're all married, we already knew that. Around here, "Alpha male" just means you are the first one say something stupid.
Hey, I win!
No comments:
Post a Comment