The Boast of King Kohls

Last week, I assigned to my senior English students what is apparently the most difficult piece of writing ever hatched in the mind of a teacher. It was, gasp, the Eipc Boast. All right, perhaps that is a bit of hyperbole. However my kids did stress out about this simple 15 line piece of writing. It struck me that despite all of the criticism that seems to be piled on this generation of kids, the accusations that young people today are arrogant and self-center, this group of kids struggles when they are actually given permission to brag on themselves. In a world of Richard Sherman (I am the greatest! Don't talk about me!"), the regular high school student, at least most of those whom I work with each day, truly are modest, and they do not really want to pound their chest and say, "This is how great I am!"

That being said, these seniors responded, and they produced some interesting pieces of writing. They were asked to boast as Beowulf did. They were to boast on their origins, brag on their abilities, and accentuate their accomplishments. Exaggeration was encouraged. That's hyperbole ya'll. And kennings were a must. It is intriguing to see what these young people choose to boast about. Physical looks, athletic ability, the ability to shoot, skill in driving, intellect, and speaking ability all made the cut. Sense of humor, being a good friend, honesty, culinary skill, and persistence did too. One student boasted that he was the most humble, and he proceeded to expound on that belief. The boasts were telling, they were surprising, and they were funny. One included a few more references to bodily functions than I would have predicted, but I did laugh. Two students mocked the rap tradition of the boast and battled. I loved what these seniors produced.

One thing I try to do when I give writing assignments is model what I expect. I am making them write, something many of them are not too keen on, so it only seems fair that I do the same. I usually enjoy the writing, so it is good for me. This year, I told the kids i would write my boast since some of them were struggling as they put pen to paper. I did it, and while a couple of classes did not ask to hear it and let me off the hook, the last two classes of the day called me to the podium. I still get nervous when I read my own words in front of a class. Some of these young people are harsh critics. Then I thought I would share it here. Why? In the words of Mr. Blutarsky, "Why not?" So, here you go.

"The Boast Of King Kohls"

Hail all around me; and lend me your ear

The tale of Jane and Delmar’s son now hear,

From the 785, Ellsworth was my home,

Before my journey began and I had to roam,

From scholars of Baker where I read and grew

To land of Redskins and finally Buh-

ler, my home, my place of celebration

Where I teach now and coach in Crusader nation.

Hundreds of youths have passed through my doors

Great men and ladies who have paced these floors

Among them the brightest of this father’s jewels,

A daughter strong and artistic, living by her own rule.

Soon to be followed by a young man of mind

Who questions all things and fame he will find.

I have coached warriors here, great and strong

Who have reached the summit, where they belong,

With championship in hand, earned by effort and sweat,

But I do not want to stop with my appetite wet.

Add to father, coach, and teacher on my list of success

Twenty years with my bride, since the day she said yes,

And the pen’s blood that runs onto many a page

As I weave tales of passion, love, or rage.

Now I look ahead, as any boast should

To what lies before me; I look toward the good.

In my life as a teacher, I see many young minds,

As a coach on the field, more trophies I’ll find.

One day my novel or volume of rhyme

Will be bound and found on shelves for all time.

As a father, striving, doing my best,

I must help them succeed, to be happy and blessed.