So naturally, I am preparing to head to a conference for the next 5 days. I'm genuinely excited about the trip and the chance to learn from some of the most amazing educators in the country, some of whom will be in the cars that leave early Sunday morning. I get to spend a great deal of time in a vehicle with the other teachers form our district, which I am excited about. Whether traveling with coaches, other ELA teachers (I am blessed to work with an incredible team), or elementary teachers (you would be amazed at how much HS teachers learn every time we get the chance to collaborate with these amazing humans), "windshield time" can be unbelievably rewarding.
I will probably post about the trip after we return. But for now, I want to talk about cleaning out my bag for the trip.
More specifically, what I found when I cleaned out my computer bag in preparation for the trip. As I removed the collection of pens and pencils, lanyards, notepads, and senior announcements, I pulled out several folded pieces of paper. These were no ordinary scraps of loose-leaf or random doodles. These were teacher treasures. I had found several letters from students from this year. I normally read these letters after school is out and put them in my desk drawer. They create a "rainy day" file that can come in handy at times throughout the year and serve as a reminder of the amazing people I have been blessed to work with. This correspondence was in the inside pocket of my bag, which is right where they needed to be. I needed to reread them today.
As I read through these gems, certain particular lines stood out and grabbed me. "Thank you for...not making me feel dumb for how I feel" one special young person wrote. She followed that with "I appreciate everything you do for me, especially just making me feel like someone actually cares about what I am saying." Affirmation is an incredible thing, and we all need it in some way. To be our best, we need to know that we can be our best, and that our best is worth being. This is an incredibly bright young person, someone who is intelligent and caring. Far too often, she has felt "dumb" or that how she has felt at a given moment was viewed that way. And it matters. The negatives matter, even if they are unintentional. Fortunately, so do the positives. My young lady here, she reminds me of that on a regular basis. She doubts herself, and she gets in her own way. We all do that sometimes. And when we do, we don't need someone to remind us of what we feel we cannot do; we need someone to turn us around. What she does not realize is that she is doing that for me too. As a person and as a teacher, I doubt myself. Often. To hear her say that I had some positive impact, so influence that might help her succeed and grow as a person is a reward few people outside of teaching and coach can understand.
Another letter was penned by another caring, intelligent person who, at first glance, has everything in the world going in the right direction. A closer inspection, well, it reveals that she actually does have a whole lot in her life headed toward the brightest of horizons. To say I have been blessed to work with her is a massive understatement. She challenged me when I was not doing enough, and she let me tag along as she developed as a writer and as a person. I smiled as I read her letter and shared memories came forward in my mind. Then I read this: "You've taught me that school is a safe place. You've taught me that it's okay to show emotion. You've taught me to notice the gifts that all students possess, that some might hide their talents."
"You've taught me that school is a safe place." Honestly, that should never have to be taught to anyone. It should be a given, an automatic, and expectation. This bright, talented, positive world-changer is thanking me for teaching her that. That means that at some point, it was not clear, it was not a given. It was in question. That bothers me. I am glad she now feels that way, and that I had a role in it, but every student, every child who steps through the doors of our buildings and our classrooms deserves to feel, at the very least, that they are in a safe place. They should know, every moment, that "someone actually cares..."So this is where it gets dicey for me. I am proud that I have somehow been able to connect with these students in this way. It is why I teach. Here's the rub: I know I have not done this for every one of my students. I have students in my classes leave my classroom feeling that I did not treat them with as much respect as I should have, that I did not hear their voices as clearly as they deserved to be heard.
I have to do better. I have to be more aware of what I say, and I have to make a conscious effort to make our room and our world (or at least our little corner of it) a safe place. If they do not have that, they cannot grow as they should. They will always have roadblock, a barrier, that causes them to hold back, to swallow their voice at times they should be speaking out. And it lands on me to to the best I can for them.
So, to the letter-writers and the affirmation givers, thank you. You truly do hold a place in my heart. You always will. And to those whom i have failed, I apologize. That is not enough, I know, and i will do better.
I have to. You deserve it. You all do.
