So, Who Are You?

I saw this posted by Grammarly  today on Twitter:

Considering I am a huge nerd, I found the question intriguing. I would love to know "who you are" based on the last book you read. It might say something about a person, right? Or it might not.

Personally, I started this summer with the works of who is becoming one of my favorite authors. Greg Froese introduced me to Cormac McCarthy a while back, and I dived into a couple of his novels this June, All the Pretty Horses and No Country for No Men. Based on those two reads I am might be John Grady Cole, the young cowboy protagonist of All the Pretty Horses. Not a bad guy to be, if you like horses and brunette daughters of hacienda owners. Well, unless you are not a fan of imprisonment in Mexican prison, corrupt officials, knife fights, and social bigotry. The good with the bad, right? I suppose I could be one of the three main characters from No Country for Old Men.  I would lean toward Ed Tom Bell, the Texas sheriff who is thrown into the turmoil of a drug massacre and the carnage that follows the disappearance of a briefcase full of cash. He is an honorable man, and he simply wants to do what is right in a world where that is becoming more and more difficult. It makes him question who he is and whether he belongs there anymore. I would choose Ed Tom over Llewelyn Moss, the welder who stumbles upon a drug deal gone bad while on an early morning hunt and ends up walking away with a briefcase of cash that would change his life, and the lives of every person close to him, is the most horrible ways. He is not a bad guy; he is actually incredibly likable. However, his decision made in a briefest of moments, was ignorant and at the same time, innocently naive. I definitely would not choose to be Chirgurh. He is an assassin, and, surprisingly, he is the most principled of any character in the novel. He lives by a simple code, that he must keep his word and complete his given task, and he lives up to that code with cold dedication. One could say that is truly honorable. But then there is the whole killing people with an air-powered piston or a shotgun fitted with a makeshift silencer. He is also pretty creepy.

This week, I took a step away from McCarthy, although I do hope to continue reading ""The Border Trilogy" this summer; All the Pretty Horses  is the first novel of the trilogy. I had to move away from McCarthy for a little while, despite how much I love what he writes. There is a long list of books I want and need to read, and the list just keeps growing. I decided to pull from that list Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut. I am only about halfway through the work, and I am enjoying it immensely, but it is, shall we say, odd. I find myself laughing at things that really should be funny, and I feel bad a a while until it happens again. If I am the protagonist of this novel, I am Billy Pilgrim. Billy bounces through times from one point in his life to another, "unstuck in time" as he calls it, and even spends time in an alien zoo after being abducted by an alien race who takes him aboard their flying saucer and whisks him away to their home planet. You know, the usual stuff. So far, Billy has proven to be an incompetent chaplain's assistant in WWII, an optometrist on the verge of a mental breakdown, a senile 40-something (according to his frustrated daughter), and pathetic prisoner of war. I do not like Billy. Granted, no one seems to like Billy. I guess I should finish the novel before I make an actual judgment.

What would "being" any of these characters say about me?

For now, I am going to be Ed Tom. That is the last book I finished reading. John Grady Cole is a cool dude, but I am too old to go riding off for the border, although there are days when that sounds pretty desirable.

That is the great thing about this little exercise: if I do not like who I am, based on the last book I read, I simply have to pick up another book. Problem solved.

So off I go to get unstuck in time with Billy. Who are you going to be?

Come Out and Play

I try not to rant, or try not to rant to an extreme.

OK, I rant quite often. However, I usually try to cloak the rant in something so it does not come off as an obvious and unabashed rant. However, this time, I am simply going to rant.

Today I was driving through the mean streets of Hutchinson, windows down and the radio up, but, no, I was not blaring bro-country. I had the dial turned to the area's top alternative tunes. A little diddy came over the airwaves that I have listened to many times. In fact, it is on my iTunes, and it is on a CD of songs Emily put together for me. The song is "Come Out and Play" by The Offspring. It is an interesting, troubling song.

As the song came to a close, the last chord echoing through my cab, the DJ uttered one of the most ridiculous statements that has ever floated from transmitter to receiver: "That song is a perfect theme song for this weekend!"

You might be saying, "But Kohls, 'Come out and play' is a great thought for the weekend, especially if the weekend is extended and a national holiday is nestled into Saturday."  All right, not one of you is saying that, mainly because you would never use 'nestled' in that way, but you might be thinking that I am way off in this rant. However, I am not way off. The DJ was, but I am not.

The title might seem appropriate for the weekend, but the song should not be thrown out as a theme for anything. The song tells the story of two boys in school who do not get along. One chooses to end the conflict by carrying a gun into the school and ending the life of his rival and any hope for a life that he might have once held. "One got wasted, and the other's a waste." I have listened to the song many times. I appreciate the style of the music, and I am drawn to songs that paint a vivid picture or tell a meaningful story. By playing the song, I am not advocating school violence or the use of a gun to 'solve' any personal conflict. The song does not do so either. In fact, it is a warning and an eye-opener. The song reminds me each time I hear it of an issue that is far too close for me to ignore or avoid. Why would I want to have such images thrust into my mind? I have wondered that myself. There is a saying that the first step is admitting you have a problem. I know that that statement is being taken out of context here. However, it applies. If we do not recognize that there are issues in our society, in our communities, and in our schools, then how can we prepare ourselves to deal with those issues, and more importantly, to keep them from occurring? How can we teach our children to deal with conflict without resorting to the most violent measures? How can we instill into our children basic human goodness that will allow them to empathize with one another, and, therefore, treat one another with respect? The issue is not how to keep guns out of our schools, or our churches, or anywhere else really; the issue is how do we learn to deal with one another in such a way that we do not create the desperation that would lead one to even consider using a gun against a fellow member of our society as a possiblibitly?

My original intent here was to lament how ridiculous it is that a DJ would not listen closely enough to the music she was playing to understand how inappropriate her comment was. I was going to talk about how words have meaning and songs carry messages. I guess I got a little off track. Or maybe I actually got a little more on track. A DJ failing to actually listen to a song before saying how great it is as a theme song for this weekend is not nearly as important as the rest of us failing to listen to what is going on around us, of us neglecting to treat each other with respect and empathy or of us refusing to think about how we teach our young people to face the struggles of life. it starts with our expectations and it is demonstrated through our actions. We need to be reminded of that every once in a while. I need to be anyway.

A Summer Read: All the Pretty Horses

I have been meaning to get literary and all in my blog, but I must admit that I let summer set in. I finished reading my first book of the summer a while back, but I just did not sit down and put my thoughts on paper.

The book I chose to start the summer off with was All the Pretty Horses by Cormac McCarthy. I had not read any of this author's work until one of his novels was suggested to me by Greg Froese and it was introduced into our Honors curriculum. The author has an incredibly unique style, and three of his novels are my summer reading list. All the Pretty Horses was my first because I found a copy of it at a garage sale in May. Sometimes I use such incredibly deep and meaningful methods of selecting literature to explore.

All the Pretty Horses  is a somewhat modern-day Western that follows two teenagers from Texas as they run away from home and search for adventure and meaning while riding across the sunbaked frontier of Mexico. They are joined by a third kid who rounds out their little riding party. The primary protagonist, John Cole, as to talk his best friend and riding companion into letting the kid, named Blevins, ride with them. Cole is a good person at heart, not because he is trying to be one but because he simply is by nature. He also seems to value the fact that Blevins rides a massive bay horse. Throughout this novel, we see decisions made and actions take, both honorable and despicable, based on the feelings the characters have for horses. I am not a cowboy, and my riding days ended when I was in middle school and Grampie sold Prince. Blaze, and Scout, the gelding, mare, and Shetland pony that we rode on Saturday and Sunday afternoons at the farm east of Ellsworth. However, I found interesting the passages in the novel when Cole would speak softly to an unbroken mare or calm him mount during a thunderstorm. Cole was a master when it came to horses, despite his youth.

It was his connection to horses that earned him favor on the hacienda where he and his friend Rawlings found work. It was also what allowed him to fall into favor with the ranch's owner, and eventually, with that proud man's teenage daughter.  I am not going to ramble on through a plot summary, but I will say that this novel has a Huckleberry-ish air about it for me, with Old Muddy replaced by the dry and dusty of the frontier. It offers adventure, romance, and suspense. The protagonist must not only explore an unknown land that seems created as a perfect place for him to spend his life, but also his own morality and conscience in a society full of prejudice, racism, and social bias, a world where morality seems to shift depending on who you are, what you can do for those in power, and who your ancestors might have stood with. There is cold-blooded murder and family vengeance There is a prison fight scene that would make Kurt Sutter proud. There is human decency and compassion. There is young love that challenges society. All of this is connected by the horses, animals that offer Cole a purity that society does not  seem to hold. They are honest in their reactions, in their demeanor, and in their attitudes; no bias or prejudice creeps into their actions. In that sense, Cole is much like those horses he values and loves so much. He seems to have found a kindred spirit, one which resides within a raven-haired angel who finds freedom atop a stallion and in the arms of a gringo. Seems to have found.

This novel was different, It was odd in the sense that the first part of the book was rather "slow" as the characters developed and the plot unfolded. Despite this quality, which fit perfectly with the plot fo the time and the realism of the work, I continually found myself draw pack to the text. I wanted to know what would happen to Cole, Rawlings, and Blevins. I wondered where they would settle, and if Rawlings would allow the nuisance Blevins to remain a part of their group. One evening, I rode with the boys for from early in the evening until the sun set. It was during that passage that the mood of the novel shifted to more harrowing and violence became more prevalent. Oddly enough, it was also during this passage that loyalty, love, and morality gained prominence. One of the qualities that I love about McCarthy is his presentation of the "adult" aspects of his writing. His violence is never gratuitous. He and Sutter share that quality. Violence is a part of the world in which these people exist and grow, and the violence drives the characters' development and plot's advancement. So much of today's popular literature simply uses violence, sex, or course language simply for shock value. Sometimes, that is needed, but to use it in isolation from any higher literary purpose is cheap and lazy. That is one reason why I love McCarthy and Sutter. Everything has a higher purpose. That purpose may take time to present itself, but the payoff is usually worthwhile.

In the end, I would say I truly enjoyed this novel. For some, the laid-back ride through the desert into the thunderstorm that ignites the conflict with its lightning and thunderclaps may seem somewhat dry, but it is both necessary and worth the ride. The sprinkling of Spanish into the dialogue might frustrate some readers, but it is easily overcome and plays a part in the realism. McCarthy's omission of some basic punctuation, especially quotation marks, may become a stumbling block for readers who let it. However, it also forces McCarthy to create stronger characters who are easily identifiable through their words and how they use them. Amazingly, what initially appears to be a weakness of the writer eventually proves an asset and tool that allows him to set himself and his writing apart from other pieces of literature.

So, as summer begins to roll, as it always does, I recommend you take a moment and pick up a book. If you do not know which one and no garage sales are handy, snag a copy of All the Pretty Horses. Give it a chance, and enjoy the ride.  I definitely did.

Proud Moment

This is my 100th "Ramblings" post.

Really though, I am somewhat proud of that. I should have breezed by that milestone long ago, however, if I had stayed on track and posted at least once a week. Still, it does mean that I have written 100 pieces and published them for public consumption. So, I have that going for me.

Anyway, since I am speaking of being proud, I want to turn to one of my favorite topics, my kids, and ramble about a moment that I am particularly proud of. As many of you may know, I am a teacher and coach. I had the immense pleasure of teaching Emily in honors English during her freshman year at BHS. The times we shared in my classroom provided me with countless moments that caused me to swell of with pride. I have watched her grow and develop as a person, a young person that makes it incredibly easy to be hopeful for the future.

Now, my son is preparing to enter his freshman year at BHS. Now, for most football coaches who are fortunate to be blessed with a son, one of the proudest moments that could occur is when they get to help him strap on the pads and lace up the cleats and coach him on the gridiron. That has to be a moment each one of those men files away in the warmest places of the heart to be thought of fondly over the years. I experienced a moment that I hold just a warmly and just and fondly, and it has absolutely nothing to do with football.

Let me step back a moment. Each year since Dylan 8, I asked Dylan if I should sign him up for Gladiator football. Each year, he said, "No, I don't think so this year." Going into the seventh grade,  he told me, "Dad, sports just aren't my thing." I won't lie; I was disappointed because I had to accept that I would not have the chance to coach my son share a passion for football, which does take up a good chunk of time for me. Should I have just signed him up when he was in the fourth grade and just forced him to develop the habit of playing football each fall? Honestly, I don't think so.  He is his own young man, and he has his "things" that he finds interesting and rewarding. He is not living my dream, and I am not living through him, trying to make him into someone I wished I might have been. Right or wrong, as far as sports are concerned, it ain't happening. And I am honestly fine with that. He provides and will continue to provide plenty of moments that will allow me to swell with pride, some of which will be obvious, and others that perhaps no one else will truly understand.

One of those pride-inducing moments took place recently. Last week, Dylan said something, and I am sure he has no idea just how much pride welled up for me at that instant. HE said, "Dad, I wrote a short story this week, and I emailed it to you."  For me, that is every bit as perfect a moment as anything that could take place on a grassy field. I love to write, and I love to read. I have a few creative pieces in the works. I would love to publish a collection of my poetry or some of my short stories someday. So, when Dylan let me know that he had put electronic pen to paper and let his creativity spill out onto the digital page, it was a special moment for me. Due to some email issues, I did not receive the email with the story. In the car on Saturday, as we drove to a celebration of my parents' 50 wedding anniversary (talk about something to be proud of), he asked me if I had had a chance to read his story. The fact that he asked me a second time about reading the story is an undeniable indication that he really wanted me to read it. That is a big deal. No, that is a mountain of a deal. The fact that he wants me to read what he wrote, that he wants me to be a part of that world of his is important to me.

So, I have that moment of irrepressible pride that each parent has to hope to experience. But it goes a step further than that. The story is really good. And I don't mean that "Um, yes son, that is, well, interesting"-type of good. It is actually a short story with a developed plot and twists of irony. It is titled "The Vents". With his permission, I am posting the story below. I hope you enjoy it. We have even discussed some revisions, which is was another one of those moments that I truly enjoyed and value.

So, with no further adieu, "The Vents" by Dylan Thomas Kohls, June 2015.

At my last home I heard a strange noise go throughout the vents. At the time I simply denoted it as maybe the ac kicking on. One of the first times I noticed this was when I was talking to my wife about buying a new car. Our old one was just about dead at the time. After the conversation was done the sound started up and then faded away. 

That night I went to a local bar. I sat down and ordered a drink. Then this guy sat down next to me and ordered the same drink. We started talking. He mentioned me getting a new car. I found it weird that he would know that but we live in a small town, news can travel fast. After a while I left. When I got home I described the guy to my wife and she said she saw him at the office. I came to the conclusion that she probably talked to him and mentioned it. 

Then next time I heard the noise was when I was talking to my wife in the morning about my daughters birth day party. She was turning nine at the time. After the conversation I made a call to a baker to make an order for a chocolate cake. My wife wasn't in the room at the time. After the order was made I heard the same noise again and almost the exact same fade. I again brushed it off as the ac. Later that day, in the late afternoon, again I went to the bar sat down and got a drink. And the exact same guy copied my actions and started to talk to me. He mentioned the cake being bought and I simply thought that my wife probably over heard me and again mentioned it. I checked my watch and said something about me leaving and he said his name. But I wasn't paying attention and I think he said Jimmy or something. When I got home I mentioned him to my wife and she said a Jimmy doesn't work there. 

The next day I mentioned the sounds to my wife and she said that it wasn't normal for the ac to randomly kick on, well at least with our model. So we at someone check it out. They said that it might take a while so if you wanted to leave for lunch of something go ahead. We left and when we had come back the one of the vents was open and a note was on a table. The note read "the vents are fine, the sound was probably just some mice that got in there, but got out by the time I got in." We thought that the open vent was probably just them forgetting to close it when they left. I sealed it back up and went on with life. In the next few days I found out about some problems with money the family had.  We sold the house and are living in an apartment right now. 

The reason I brought up this whole story is because a news report has showed up. What it reported was that a starved dead man was found in the vents of my old house after the new owners smelled a decaying body.

An Evening Well-Spent

Sometimes, you just have to sit back and, well, just sit back. I have not done that very much lately, but I did tonight. It was one of the best decisions I did not actually make in a long time. If that makes no sense whatsoever, let me ramble on just a little more. Maybe it will compel one or two people out there to allow the same thing to happen.

OK, here is what happened. This evening, after supper, with Emily at work, Dylan playing one of his video games, and Heidi already snug in her nightclothes, I wondered out to the back patio with a large tumbler of iced tea and a book by Cormac McCarthy. I had been introduced to the author by Greg Froese, a kindred spirit at BHS, and we read one of his works in Honors Sophomore English. He has his own unique style (McCarthy does, although Greg rolls his own way too), and he is quickly moving up my list of favorites. I had spotted one of his novels, All the Pretty Horses, at a garage sale this spring, but did not crack it open until last week, waiting until schools was out in hopes of simply reading for fun and relaxation.

And that is where I was this evening. I have a chair on the deck that requires one to display a great deal of trust in nylon and old cedar as he lets gravity draw him into the depths of the chair's reclination. I fell into that chair with the book in hand and tea within reach. The sun blazed through the leaves of the cottonwood and created stark contrast between the inked letters and the dull white pages upon which they were printed, a fact that allows these tired eyes to more comfortably make out McCarthy's words and sentences and paragraphs as they paint pictures of Mexican jails and greenbroke horses.

Kansas evenings in early June are something special, and few people allow themselves to slow down and let them take effect. That is unfortunate.

When I started reading, the sun was bright and fairly high above the horizon. When I closed the book and grabbed my empty tea glass, I had to strain to read the words on the page. I had not noticed the light begin to dim or the sun dip behind the peaks of the rooftops to the west as it made its way toward the horizon, but eventually it was too dark to make out what was on the page, so I had to stop. I was at one of those spots where I wanted to discover how John Grady's decision would play out, if fate was to lead him to happiness or hardship, if the obviously dubious choice to retrieve his horse Redbo would bring on more mental and emotion anguish or simply to his physical demise. Alas, I would have to wait.

As I climbed out of the patio chair, I felt oddly relaxed and satisfied. I had made no conscious choice to sit there in the Kansas breeze and read until the light was gone. It just happened. Did I have other things to do? Yeah. There is always something else to do. But do you know what? I will have those things to do tomorrow too. Right now, not making a decision to go do something "important" was the best decision I couldn't make. I am glad it happened that way. It needs to happen more often.

By the way, I have not decided exactly how I feel about the novel itself. After this evening, I am only about 270 pages in, so there is time yet. Several times, I have thought "This moves a little slowly," but then I found myself continuing to want to move through it. I guess that makes it a good read. Regardless, the is is well-spent.

And that is what really matters.

Emily Has One More Day As A BHS Student.

Today, one of my seniors told me that I made her cry. It was one of the best moments of my year.

Now, before you think me a complete and utterly heartless jerk, let me give yo a little more of the story. Last Friday, as each class of seniors walked out my door, I handed each young person a copy of a poem I wrote last year as part of our spoken word study. I posted the poem here last week. When the student told me she cried a little, it was a good thing, not because she was made sad by what I wrote, but because that told me she got what I was trying to say, which was, in part, that some of these kids are truly special, and I am proud to have shared these halls and these walls with them for a brief time before they exit and begin their quests toward their individual greatnesses. I always enjoy working with seniors, and each year they surprise me and amaze me, while at the same time frustrating me to no end in a way that only those on the precipice of adulthood and yet still sheltered in the cocoon of adolescence can do. This year is a little different, however. You see, this year, my daughter Emily is graduating. I have been trying for weeks to figure out just how to put into words what is going through my head, filtered through my heart, as my little girl prepares to cross the stage and receive her Buhler High School diploma. It is not an easy thing for me to do. For some of you, this may seem odd, seeing as I tend to ramble on at times and let whatever thoughts might be stewing simply gush forth. As I said, this is different. So, here we go; a true Rambling.

Emily was born shortly after 11:30 pm. After we met her, and I was given the chance to give her her first bath, and Heidi and Emily were quiet and sleeping, I had to slip away and write lesson plans and take them up to my classroom. We had rushed to Southwest Medical Center shortly after midnight that morning, and I while patiently waited through an endless loop of Andy Griffith reruns, Emily made sure that we knew she was going to do things her way from the very beginning. She wasn't rude about it, but she just quietly waited, seemingly ignoring what was going on around her, literally around her, as Heidi strained and cried through over 23 hours of labor. Emily had apparently decided she would join us when she was ready. But I digress.

At around 4 am I made my way to Liberal High School and put my plans on my desk, went back to our apartment for an hour or two, and then returned to the hospital. I went to Heidi's room, where I found her sleeping, but no Emily. I went to the nursery. No Emily. That is a little frightening. I found her, in her bassinette, in the nurse's lounge.  The nurse told me she took her in so the other nurses could see just how perfect she was. I believed her, and I had proof right there.

Now, what is the point of this little stumble through the past? Well, that perfect little girl is still perfect. Does she meet some standard laid out by Cosmo or MTV or other society measuring stick? I don't know, and she doesn't care. You see, she is still doing it her way, just doing what she knows is right amidst all the commotion around her. Sure, she sheds tears (a lot sometimes), and life frustrates her at times. However, she is growing up, from that tiny little picture of perfection, into her own young woman who is uniquely her. And I am proud of her for that. I could recount story after story to show you just how special she is to me, from the times in the neighborhood pool in Liberal to the time I learned she was afraid of heights when she crawled up the bleachers on her hands and knees to the advice about giving the "crazy eye" to the girl who picked on her in the lunch line to the driving lesson that ended in the yard at the end of the block to the excitement she showed when she discovered art classes at BHS to glowing smile she had when Mrs. Dewitt announced at the awards banquet that she had won a scholarship for her passion for art.  The other day in the hallway, I was walking and talking to a football coach from Garden City Community College when Emily strolled up, held her arms out wide, and gave me the warmest of hugs before continuing down the corridor. The coach seemed a bit perplexed, but he chuckled a little when I said, "That is my daughter by the way, in case you were wondering."

When Emily was a freshman, Mrs. Susan Jordan told me that little girls need dads. The truth is, this dad needs his little girl too. The last 18 plus years have been a blessing, and the last four years have been a treasure. Thank you, Emily. And congratulations. You are still perfect, and you are still keep doing it your way.

That Time of Year + A Letter to My Seniors

For those of you who do not teach, or who are not blessed have seniors in your classrooms each day, you may have missed the daily countdown of how many days our seniors have left. We are smack-dab in the middle of that time of year when teachers a grumbling and sporting bloodshot eyes from grading essays, labs, and tests. Oh and those "OMG! I forgot to put that in my folder! can I still turn it in?" assignments that we all love so much. Yes, Kellie, I am talking about you.

This year is a little different for me. My daughter, Emily, has blessed me over the last four years in ways that few people can understand. I had the proud pleasure of teaching her as a freshman in honors English, and she has continued to visit my classroom each school day since. Her sophomore year, on a day my senior classes were in the library, I heard a senior laughingly utter, "She;s coming in hot! and I turned to see this brown-haired angel sprinting (in a running style all her own) across the LMC to give me a hug. Mrs. Jordan has been telling me for two years that I need to value each and every one of those hugs in the hallway, but until recently, I did not really grasp just what she meant. My little girl is graduating. She will always be my little girl, but the days where she will be a daily constant are numbered. And I am starting to realize just how much I am going to miss it. It might not seem like a big deal to be able to trot down the southeast stairwell and duck into Mrs. Smith's room to see her, head bent low over some new sketch or painting, but it will be when I can no longer do it. I will miss flannel, an overloaded messenger bag, and bulky portfolio working their way down the hallway more than anyone can imagine. I will only need one coffee cup, but I will still keep a second around, just in case. The drawer of granola bars will stay stocked much longer, and that makes me sad.

And all of that is ok. You see, she is growing up, and that is how it is supposed to be. I know sometimes it seems as if life would be easier if our little ones just stayed little. But then we would never get to see them grow, and that is something we never want to miss. Emily is not that freshman drying her eyes before she slips back in the classroom, although she is in there somewhere, and always will be. She much more complex, stronger, and more mature. She is a young woman, a young adult who is uniquely herself. She is becoming more and more that person she is destined to be. Is she there yet? I don't think so; she has more growing to do. Shoot, so do I. And that is ok, too.

Without a doubt, I have been blessed beyond belief. For that, I say thank you. The amazing thing is, next year, I will be blessed to have my son in our building. And Dylan, he is definitely his own unique self, too.

I will probably write again on this topic as we near graduation, but I really do not want to right now. I would rather just enjoy the time that is left.  So instead, I will share a poem that I wrote.  I actually wrote this last year, but as we near the end of the year, my beautiful daughter's senior year, I thought I would repost.

“A Letter to My Seniors”

Jason Kohls

I just want to take the time, while I still can, to say one more thing to you

Before you walk out those doors and toss the cap and tassel.

Now, before you groan too loudly,

Remember that with one click, all evidence that you finished that senior project,

Will be gone. Poof. Just like that.

So zip it.

This is what I wanted to tell you, while I still can:

YOU DON’T KNOW.

You don’t know that this place,

Which some of you call a prison,

Has offered the freedom that only security can,

That for some,

This is the only place they feel warm, and safe, and unafraid.

Not everyone, but some,

But you don’t know.

You don’t know

That turning 18 does not really make you an adult

That some were forced to be grown up long ago,

And that others will take, just a little longer.

And some, much, much longer.

You don’t know

How much you will crave Taco Crunch

When you are reheating leftover ramen noodles because that is all that’s in the fridge

After your roommates ate the last hotdogs and it’s 7 days until payday.

You don’t know

That for one kid here,

That already happens every month, except mom lets him have the last hotdog

While she goes without,

Again.

You don’t know

That just when I want you to be gone from here,

Just like you dream of being and do not hesitate to express,

One of you will amaze me with a thought, an act, or words on a page.

You don’t know

That the impact you made here

Where you say you hate coming every day

Is deep and will be seen long after you are gone,

That someone little with wide eyes wants to be just like you

Even though you will be gone,

That the freshman you said “Hey” to on the stairs

Or the boy you helped with his books,

Or the kid who sees you and says,

“He’s like me, and if he can make it, then so can I”

You don’t know that each one of them

Feels a little better today than yesterday

Because of you.

You don’t know

How many times your mom, your dad, your aunt, or your grandpa

Has thought “I’m proud” and smiled

Because you are you.

You don’t know

What the word “commencement” actually means,

That is is not an end, but a new beginning,

You don’t know

That what you are now is no where near what you will become

And that where you will go could surprise nearly everyone

Including you.

You don’t know

How many doctors, builders, teachers, mechanics, mothers, lawyers, nurses, musicians, artists, and leaders

Sit among you right now,

You don’t know

That for every heartbreak and struggle you have felt these past years,

You will feel even more as you grow,

And they will each be worth it,

As you become who you are meant to be.

You don’t know

That despite the headaches

The frustration,

The struggles,

And the anger,

I am glad you have been here,

For a moment or two,

Before you go.