Argument versus Discussion.

It is weird how things sometimes come together. I have been frustrated with myself because I have not blogged lately, and while I have had numerous ideas and begun several posts, none of them seemed particularly interesting, engaging, or enlightening. Then, two events took place that truly made me think.

The first was a during a workout. An athlete made a poor read on an option. It happens. Before I could even point it out, a voice behind me beat me to it. "That should be a keep if the DE closes." Kids coaching each other, getting better. I like it. Then the stumbling block sprung up. The athlete felt the need to argue the truth. It happens. A lot, unfortunately. Not with this kid, but with kids, and people, in general. Sometimes, the first reaction is not to examine what happened, accept an "error' has occurred, and learn from it, but instead to argue that "NO! I am right!" It becomes more important to give the perception of being right than to learn and improve. More on that later.

I reacted to the response in an incredibly poor way. I did what I just complained about. I was right, darn it, and was not going to be questioned. I snapped at him, and I wasted a moment to really coach. I hate it. Luckily, the kid did not walk away, and then I actually said something intelligent, instead of making things worse. "It is better sometimes, to just admit you are wrong, and learn from it, than to argue just so you can feel like you are right." He said, "I know. I'm having a bad day. My bad."

I got lucky on that one. I'm not saying that in coaching there are not times when intensity and immediate, forceful correction is the best approach. More often than not, however, coaching is about developing people in a positive direction, just as in any type of teaching. Possibly the most disappointing thing for me is that I caught myself basically taking the same approach later, during an evening session of camp, with another particular player. I recognized it, and I think I did a better job coaching him at that point. I hope I did. He deserves for me to do better. And guess what? He got better. He improved. He listened and asked good questions, and he learned. Imagine that.

The second event, a throw-away moment really, took place on the way home from our last session of camp today. Something the radio DJ said stuck in my mind and demanded some thought. I cannot even tell you what station it was or what DJ said it, but here is a close paraphrase of his statement: The point of an argument is to try to prove YOU are right; the point of a discussion is to try and discover WHAT is right.

It got me thinking, and it reminded me of those moments with our athletes. I could be frustrated with the kids, but I control whether it becomes a meaningful discussion or an argument. When we ARGUE, we do so because we want to prove we are RIGHT. It does not matter if we are actually right, or if admitting we are wrong would eventually lead to something better; we just have to show we were right. I know I fall into that trap more often than I want to admit. And if I want to become a better teacher, a better husband, and better dad, and a better friend, I have to get past that. I have to focus on discovering WHAT is right, regardless of who is.

Here is the amazing thing: if one person refuses to take the "argue who is right" path, and turns the interaction toward discussing what is right, the other person usually follows suit. The challenge, the accusation of being "wrong" is gone. Instead, both sides are focused on the same goal, and both gain from the transaction.

I know I am rambling on this point, but I have one more thought. Sometimes, that obsession with who is right takes on another form. At times, kids just fear being the one who is wrong. Instead of arguing they are right, they allow themselves to settle back, to withdraw. Nothing ventured, nothing lost is how they seem to see many situations. They may come off as obstinate, standoffish, or disengaged, but maybe it is less about being any of those things and more about just not being wrong. I have seen it in athletes, and breaking through that barrier is often the most important gain they can make. There is an old saying that a defensive back has to have a short memory because every single one of them is going to get burned at some point. The great ones know how to learn from the experience, file away what will help them next time, and then forget about the fact that they were burned. In other words, fail, learn from it, and improve.

The way I see it, our goal as teachers should be to make every kid we work with a great defensive back in whatever arena they perform. We want each one to risk failure and go for the big play, intellectually, athletically, academically, or creatively. Making the wrong read is not the issue, especially in practice. Getting "burned" and bouncing back to make big plays is so much better than having a kid remain on the bench simply to avoid the possibility of giving up a first down.

And being wrong does not mean I am a failure. Failing to grow from it just because I have to be seen as right? That would be true failure.

And the kids, all of them, deserve better.