Sometimes, there are moments that come together to lift you, smack you down, or remind you who you are. Those days can be painful, rewarding, enlightening, or all of these at once.
Last week, I was having a conversation with a particular student who was in my class last year. She is a special talent, but I worry about her. She is one of my kids. I felt a sense of ease when she described her current teacher in this way: "He seems to be incredibly kind." I know how important this description is for so many kids. It allows them to let their true selves develop and thrive. It is vital. And it is accurate. Later, I opened an email from a parent. I will not go into details, but the note made me swell up a little bit with pride. She told me my classroom is a safe place, a place a student can feel comfortable. I was having a very satisfying, rewarding morning.
Kids need those places. For so many students, school is a place to take a deep breath, feel the warmth of a caring adult, build themselves up, and rally the strength it takes to meet the rest of the world. To be an active part of that, to have my room serve as a sanctuary or just a place of calm means the world to me. To know that our hallway and our school is full of teachers who work each day to provide that for our kids warms my heart. I felt such pride that morning as I thought about ways we help our students grow and find their ways. I was ready to take on the day with a bounce in my step and a confident smile on my face. I was feeling it.
Then, in short, I crushed it, and not in a good way. Not in the perfect swing, blast the ball over the centerfield fence way. Not in the take the handoff and hit the gap into the open field, striding to the endzone way. Not in the have them on the edge of their seats with excitement and engagement sort of way. No. I crushed it horribly. I placed my foot on top of a delicate blossom, pressed down with my considerable weight, and ground the petals into the gravel. Yeah. It was not a good moment.
I embarrassed a student in my room. I took a good-natured back and forth and, without noticing until it was too late, I allowed it to become something painful. I allowed laughing eyes to turn dark and tearful. We talk about the Pink Floyd line "No dark sarcasm/In the classroom". That day, I had thrown that shadow, somehow had allowed myself to become that mocking old man who ridicules a young poet for jotting down future classic rock lyrics. For that student, at that moment, my classroom was a terrible place. And it was because of me.
I did not realize it until it was too late. When I did, I apologized, profusely and sincerely. The young person said, in a whisper, "It's ok." No, it's not. I told her that. It is not ok. It is never ok for my classroom to become a place where a student does not feel safe or fears what might happen next. I am not talking about a student being uncomfortable because she has to admit she had failed to meet responsibilities. I do not mean light-hearted banter and joking that both sides enjoy. This was different. This was unnecessary.
The fact is, if a student does not feel safe in my classroom, he is not going to allow himself to be vulnerable. And if he is not somewhat vulnerable, he will not take chances, and if he does not take chances, he will not grow. In English, each time we write, we put a little bit of ourselves on the page. Each discussion can be a step out on a ledge. Those steps and that blood are necessities for students to really find who they are and to learn to express themselves, to develop the confidence needed to let themselves go. That takes a safe place.
So, now what do I do? I fix it. I admitted I was wrong, not just so she would feel better at that moment but because she needs that I understand I was wrong. She needs to know that I make mistakes, and I own up to them. She needs to know that I will do better, that each day, I will work to help create a safe place. And she needs to know that she can still take chances, and sometimes fail. She needs to know that I am not going to laugh at her, but I may chuckle along with her as I help her and brush her off. If I am lucky, she will do the same for me.
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